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news muse zine - compiled for alt. world scenario fans by INFOmaniac
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Wotan Aardvark: "Give me my axe"
review by Michael Lohr and M.S. Raper Last night the Millennium Dome was rocked to its foundations by the SRO concert of Wotan Aardvark and the Mountain Kings. This Dwarvish heavy metal band, who happen to be the progenitors of the stone busting, ear-splitting musical style called "Hammer Thrash" have been selling out arenas throughout the back country and last night saw their triumphant return to the city where it all started. This concert was the culmination of the very successful "Reign in Ragnarok" world tour. Lead singer Wotan Aardvark got the crowd pumped with his rendition of the old Dwarvish chant By My Beard and Axe I Shall Rule. They kept the bonfires stoked with their many number 1 hits such as Drunk Ghost on Turnip Hill, Kneecappin', Hall of the Viking King and Kill F@*kin' Pointy (Elves Must Die). They played their yet-to-be-released 30-minute masterpiece Siege of Rothgaar to hydrophobic fans anxious to hear new material from their forthcoming release. [News flash: last night your reporters found out that the Mountain Kings' new release is rumoured to be Half Ogre Tankard Skank.] They ended the by night playing their current hit single Rhine Maidens Do It Better Than Valkyries from the now certified triple platinum opus The Coming of Tyr's Sort-of Half-Brother Byr. During the main chorus Wotan broke out his atomic bagpipes and cranked the volume to 12. Constabulary reports indicated that over 100 people were hospitalised with ruptured eardrums and 700 more were treated for injuries suffered in the biggest mosh pit ever seen by man (or elf or dragon). The only truly marring incident of the night was the ruckus caused by Slam Thunderhide of Zodiac Mindwarp fame. During the playing of Rhine Maidens he grew too rambunctious while watching the bearded Dwarvish striptease team do their highly suggestive pole dance routine and punched out Hanky Nopanky, the drummer for Tofu Jesus and the 40 Thieves, the opening band for that night. Slam made his escape in a hail of gunfire, which went unnoticed due to the overwhelming volume of the performance. Later, when asked about the incident Hanky had this to say - "I don't know, man. The ruddy wombat licker screamed and then just wopped me upside me bloody noggin." Hanky was treated and released from 1 of the medical units established along the concert's periphery. There were many notable celebrities in attendance tonight including Jailhouse Rock superstar, Winona Strider, ragball superstar Penis Williams and Harry Potthead, lead singer of the seminal heavy metal band, the Sorcerer's Bone. All in all, we would have to say that this concert gets a highly motivated 2 thumbs and 3 legs up rating. Probably 1 of the best concerts we have seen since Motorbreath played naked to a sold-out crowd at last year's Abner Punetickus Festival in Abba Wabba, Sweden. If you get the chance to see these cats live in your neck of the woods do yourself a big favour and go. You will not regret paying the 3 virgins and 2 goats ticket price. Their concerts are worth every bit. |
The mighty Wotan wields a mean axe! W.A. SHOW ATTENDANCE / CASUALITIES 
As our demo graph shows, while Wotan audience numbers increased (yellow line), overall survival rates
(red line) of fans damaged, physically or mentally, by excessive decibel levels at Mountain Kings'
concerts has declined, tragically.
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