FORECAST
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RAINFALL
Yesterday, precipitation reached new heights and depths. There was much dense cloud bubbling up from
the southeast while those satanic thunderheads, exactly the colour of abused motor oil, came
shouldering over the wild western horizon of jagged perennial peaks to bruise the sky. Rented scotch
mist and merchant fog banks reduced visibility of the glorious firmament, while a continuous acidic
drizzle resulted in a suicidally miserable day for everybody concerned, whatever planet you live on.
There was a high risk of further trickledown inclemency after that, and so the usefulness of any
commonsense predictions evaporated quite rapidly, like glittering spare change dropped amongst the
beggars on skid row. For the very latest raw data available in your area, go and take a look out your
front door, any prominent bay window with curtains opened, or skylight if fitted.
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TEMPS
Today, it's hot enough outside to fry eggs on a baldy man's head, especially if that supposedly high
form of animal life is mowing the lowest form of vegetable matter beaneth a sweltering sky. You and
yours might survive wall-to-wallpaper humidity levels climbing steadily towards noon, while stray
dogs and fat cats are living together under this apocalyptic daily heatwave, which carries on beating
down on lost/found and unquiet souls, stripping off protective shady layers and ablative polymer
shields like cream cheese on toast in a blast furnace. All this precedes yet another unhappily
blackened and acutely sultry night, closing in for a sweat 'n' sour bout of killjoy sleeplessness
like a hungry non-union panther. Recap: book-burners should enjoy the intolerable high of Fahrenheit
451, while the universal low remains trapped by known physics at -273.15 degrees Celsius.
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WIND
Tomorrow, a blustery day will propagate morose kite flying across the equatorial stratosphere as the
quasi-biennial oscillation of north-westerly gusts, urged on by the easterly breezes that assault
lowland regions, will foist a despicable wind-chill factor upon those of you who know that air
pressure is not the same as tyre pressure. Other regions could suffer a blistering ice age, if the
cold snap brings severe brass monkey chilblains to parts of the southeast, closing skin pores and
chilling your blood, like an unanticipated visit from the surly VAT inquisitor. Just breathe. Some
high parts of Cleveland (what's so bad about the place anyhow?) may inherit windblown litter sooner
than later. If you plan to go skydiving, watch out for the ground. Regular air travellers need only
worry about crazed terrorists, fuselage impacts, systems failure, pilot error, cabin pressure, and
airline food.
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SHIPPING
General synopsis: compound high Trawler Blight and Biscuit likely north of Sold by 0900 tomorrow. New
low anticipated 150 miles southeast of Chalet Rocking Malice by same time. Regional for next 25
hours: Pickles Ursula Cro-Magnon - new westerly 2 or 3, mainly unfair variable 5, somewhat rainy
out, me hearties. Filth Tine Digger - immoderate or great, easterly passage variable 4, occasional
blundering showers with leather elbow patches. Golly Browning Thanks - variable 5 becoming tighter 2
or 3, shower scene in Thanks, modest or fine, rather poorly later. Lovely White Plywood - capricious,
becoming mainly 4 or 5, sporadically 6 at bedtime. Bundy Fasten Scallywag - erratic 3 turning polar
5, occasionally 6 or 7 beyond Fasten, fairly light-hearted after. Hebrew Bailout North Flaxen Island
- cyclonic 4 or 5, seldom 6 in west Bailout. South Flaxen Pharaohs Iceland - gone shopping 5 to 7,
paying 4 in Flaxen later, yellow oilskin optional, a vast behind.
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CLIMATE
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Moon spheres
...threat to Earth's ecosystem
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