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Laws of Uniball
as defined by GONADS, the Global Organisation for New and Diverse Sports, # 7.1c blue

you are here The Arena
The arena must be elliptical, with its major axis measuring no longer than half the distance between the width and the height (combined and multiplied) subtracted from the minor axis, as defined by Bresenham's algorithm for straight lines, which must be relatively proportional to the major and minor axis as per the Heisenberg principle. The outer-thigh line (or 'bloody great wall') marks the periphery of the arena. Pretty alternate white and pink lines mark the 6 arena zones, all equidistant from the centre circle yet proportional to the overall arena area. The 2 quadrants closest your own goal is the backside cheeks, the central 2 are the left and right tummies, or hips, whilst the forward areas are the front bottoms. The goal is 'bloody enormous', measuring at least half but no more than 25 percent of the minor axis. The goal is also to win.

you are here Balls
The oviform prolate ball must be 'bloody heavy', weighting at least 5 percent of the average weight of all players, substitutes and managers as declared in the preseason weigh-in. A spherical bolus ball must weigh no more than 1 percent of the prolate and contain hot air within a rubber shield, slightly waxed and 'bloody slippery'.
Note: only officials can exchange defective balls.

you are here The Players
2 teams of 15 players, 1 each of male and female in the goal area (called 'lazy-fatuns'), with at least 1 each within both backside cheek areas (called 'arse-enders'), at least 1 each within both central tummy areas (called 'midribs') and no more than 2 each in both front bottoms (called 'upyur-fronters') at any 1 time. Each team must field exactly 7 female players, or more. Only at the end of each 5th can players be substituted for others of the same sex and approximately the same build, otherwise the balls will need changing. This is referred to as a 'balls up'.

you are here Player's Equipment
All players must wear at least 2 earrings in all or both ears (Rule 4.1 amendment) at all times. Any player seen without sufficient jewellery will be substituted automatically. Clothes are optional, although naked players must adorn themselves in colours befitting their team. Excessively stimulated players (called 'proud-standers', or 'bloody embarrassments') will be removed from the arena immediately.

you are here The Officials
Always do what we say. (The supporters sometimes know the primary official, rather mysteriously, as 'oozawan-keri-nablack').

you are here Match Duration
The match lasts 5 equal periods of 20 minutes, with a 10-minute break for tea and biscuits (consumables are optional) between each of the fifths. Officials may add additional time in compensation for excessive 'bloody time-wasters', and also in the event of 1 team 'copping a feel' (see Rule 9).

you are here Tossing Off
The 'toss off' involves 1 each of all sexes from both teams engaging in acts of sterling flips. An old 10-credit coin (a sterling) is traditionally used, although officials may provide alternatives, such as a 100-credit coin (a franc) a 500-credit coin (a germane) or a 1000 credit coin (a gates). The team winning best of 3 toss offs begin in possession of both balls. Players must be in the correct quadrant before the game can begin.

you are here Balls In & Balls Out
Not to be confused with 'balls up' (see Rule 3). If either the prolate or the bolus goes beyond the outer thighs, the game is stopped. All players must stand still. Anybody caught moving suffers a hug, or is said to be 'gripped by the huggers' (see Rule 9). When both balls are returned to the arena, play continues.

you are here Scoring
A goal is scored when the entire prolate or the entire bolus crosses the opposition goal. The team scoring the most goals in a match is the winner (sometimes called the 'luckefkers') and are awarded 3 points. Equal goals, or no goals (a "shitematch") result in a draw and 1 point for each team. The side scoring fewest goals gets nothing (a 'fukal'). Additional means of acquiring points are by, 'flocking off', whereby a player from 1 team acquires an earring from each 1 of the opposition players, or by 'shooting the herd', which requires 1 player (typically called a 'flocking expert', 'poser', or a 'jammifker') sending both prolate and bolus into the goal simultaneously. A team is also penalised for persistently overcrowding a quadrant, which often results in the officials having to delay the match while the players return to their positions, and also by being 'gripped by the huggers' where 1 or more players are seen moving when the balls are out of play.

you are here The Women's Rule
This references an archaic rule (sometimes called 'off side'), which was abandoned soon after uniball began, and, coincidentally, when females 1st played. More information on this (and similarly abandoned complex rules) can be made available upon request.

you are here Fouls & Shytes
Mishandling an opposition player with the bolus, or slide tackling an opposition player with the prolate results in a foul, and a free kick or a free pass respectively results. A shyte is the result of persistent fouls performed by an individual, who can, as determined by the officials, be removed from the game (sometimes called 'sin binned', 'a shyter', or 'sent to Wolverhampton').

you are here Free Kicks & Free Throws
A free kick can be taken with either ball, a free throw only with the bolus. When a player is fouled, a free kick or free throw is awarded to the opposition. All opposition players must close their eyes and put their fingers in their ears until an official indicates the free kick or free throw has been taken by blowing his organ.

you are here Penalties
A free kick or free throw awarded in the opposition's goal area results in a penalty (regularly called, 'yorbline-dreft'). The player infringed is allowed an unhindered shot at goal with either the prolate or the bolus, depending on which ball he prefers playing with.
wanted poster by Kerry Earl
Crucifixion slammed
by Steve Sneyd

Christian leaders are unanimous in demanding the banning of a new offering from controversial holo-TV director Karl-Heinz Giuffre, The Cross Comes Home.

"Blasphemous" "Shocking" "A travesty of all that is sacred" were the respective comments of the 1st 3 church leaders to react. Pope Joan II, New Canterbury's Archbishop Patiana Singh, and the Most Reverend Hubbard III of the Christian Church of Scientology.

Giuffre, the 37-year-old 'boy wonder' director, speaking from his private satellite home, Lookdown Onyou, in geo-stationary orbit above his home town of Padua, stated: "For far too long, ordinary people have been unable to fully experience the heart of the Christian message. Now they will be able to see, in living 3D to the highest standards of performance art, Jesus Christ suffer and die in their own home. What could be more suitable?"
3D TV scene by Kerry Earl
Pending All-faith Blasphemy Board clearance, unlikely to be granted according to expert opinion, The Cross Comes Home is currently available legally on microdisc, retailing only in those areas not yet under the General Council's administration. 1 of these is Switzerland (who are reported to be considering their own ban), while in the Israeli-Syrian alliance, following 3 million sales during the 1st 24 hours of release, the government of Yitzhak ben Ibrahim have impounded stocks of the disc, "in the interests of good relations with other faiths."
picture by Kerry Earl
FAX 21 art critic, Denys Veset, writes: "Trashy overacting, bilious makeup and anachronistic props reduce The Cross Comes Home to the level of such soap operas as My Spacemen, My Lovers. Nevertheless, in the interests of free speech, artistic expression, and the development of all creative possibilities of this unique medium, governments should think not twice but many times before they consider a blanket ban on this."
Here's your chance to vote for or against this production. Should The Cross Comes Home be banned?         Click - YES or NO
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