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news muse zine - compiled for alt. world scenario fans by INFOmaniac
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Wellyjet built his reputation at Xeno as a flocking expert, his squat, muscular physique (6/ 2, 265 lbs, 3% BFR) is perfect for the role, but had a falling out with the Bulls' primary weapons director, Hu-Li Jones concerning motivational methods and third-half tactical substitutions. His strike partner for the last 3 seasons at the Bulls, JT PG NB Evans III, told us, "Wellyjet was good. The best. We'll miss him. A lot." Mrs Hu-Li Jones refused to comment on Wellyjet's move. Jessica Fknbstrd, expected to be Wellyjet's ball-sniffer at Xeno, told us, "I'm really looking forward to playing with Wellyjet. The bursts he made down my outer thigh when we played XV last season were the difference between the 2 sides. When we were told the news this morning that he's finally coming, that he's finally signed for us, we all cheered. I think we can go all the way this year." The Zuriac Bulls play Lector Poo, 1 of last season's promoted teams this Saturday, whilst Xeno are up against some people's outside shot for the championship, The Skoll. The Deltas, last year's strongest finishers, play the controversial franchise side, McBurger KD. Just to remind you, sports fans, this is how the top 3 finished in the uniball premiership last season -
[the Official UniBall RULES]
Oddvert
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Lacerators banned
by Porl Broome Quasi-rock band, and rumoured industrial terrorists, the Greater Phallopial Lacerators last night were forced to abandon their plans for a 12-day tour of Euro-Soviet stadiums when interstate authorities branded the group's stage show as "a lewd portrayal of indiscriminate technological perversion [and] blasphemous to a vomit-inducing degree." The 12 shows, and such future productions, were outlawed by the passing of a new amendment to the Control of Entertainments Act. The amendment states: "Any persons participating in the ritualistic striking of percussive instruments will be subject to arrest, and their instruments will be impounded (the powers of arrest and confiscation extend also to the tools of synthesised percussion)." This is the latest of many controversies involving the Lacerators, whose shows are rumoured to contain scenes of extreme carnage; an entourage of giant animated phalli; genuine live music (!); the ceremonial deconstruction of several 5th generation ICL mainframes; and 2,000 lbs of Semtex. In May last year, their 3rd microdisc release, My Mother Was An I/O Port From Hell, was removed from all branches of Smithies, when offended shoppers complained about the disc's cover, which featured an animated holographic reconstruction of the vocalist's birth, set to the straining tones of a classic PWL backing beat! Dame Marie Whitehouse, recovering from her 4th heart replacement at an unspecified private clinic - this morning relayed her relief over the decision to outlaw the group, stating, "They're nothing more than a bunch of pseudo-Yanks who have to resort to shock tactics and sex to gain popularity. "But, as any morally upstanding citizen knows, sex is the no-good product of a corrupt youth and should be treated as such preferably with a textbook and a sharp knife!" |
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