saturn revelations

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Saturn's ring revelations
by Andrew Darlington

Following its contemptuous dismissal of Professor Curd-Smythe's earlier leaks to the media, the Astrophysical Institute today issued its own official low-key statement on the subject, which, although couched in a confusing baffle of techno-jargon and parcelled in with pages of escape clause qualifications, seems - incredibly, to confirm many of the professor's assertions. Almost grudgingly they concede that, while covered by an accretion of millions of years of meteoric dust, there are certain energised particles at the core of some samples taken from a Saturn probe. Scrolling through further texts of equations and analyses, it's possible to ascertain that they also accept that, although in a complex crystalline form as yet unrecognised by science, such particles would appear to be of terrestrial origin!

So much they admit. But while they offer no speculation beyond that point, the implications follow inevitably without their learned guidance. Professor Curd-Smythe does not debate or converse. He lectures. Neither graceful in defeat nor modest in victory, his impatient glee could scarcely be concealed behind his luxurious growth of beard as he pounced upon the admissions of his former colleagues who now appear to affirm ideas they had earlier ridiculed.

"Yes, yes, yes," he barked tetchily to gathering newshounds, "Many samples from the Saturn ring system stated to Earth from probe Janus 7, were of a composition consistent with the traditional view of the ring's formation." These, he claims, had been attracted gravitationally by the significantly higher proportion of other samples, which are in accord with his own ideas.

In the light of yesterday's statement such conjectures are increasingly difficult to refute. And further archival evidence, freshly brought to light, of the fluctuations in Earth's ozone layer that so alarmed both the public and the scientific establishment during the last century also adds credibility to Curd-Smythe's contentions.

But if we accept that Saturn's braided rings are indeed composed of ozone 'stolen' from Earth's upper atmosphere over millions of years, taken at intervals that allow for regular complete renewal of the layer, it leaves a number of enigmatic questions that even Professor Curd-Smythe [pictured] is not willing to contemplate.

Is some hitherto unsuspected Saturnian intelligence using Earth as a forcing house to 'grow' successive rings of its planetary decoration? If so, what consequences does that have for the future of our world? And what of the ring systems around other planets of our Solar system... where (on Earth) do they come from?

Secret plane crashes
by Jack 'Slaughter' Ketch
{FAX 21 war correspondent)

Wanted to go cover the battles out in the 'Belt this month, but the Chief gave the assignment to that wimp - sorry wordsmith, Kurtz. Oh, heard he got burned on the way back home, haw-haw-haw!

So, lumbered with just this new goddamn plane crash. Shoot! I mean, here I am, right... expert on every conceivable type of killing machine, veteran of every conflict from Desert Storm 4 to the nuking of Lybia and beyond, and what do I get, a freak plane crash, that's what.

USAF Nighthawk fighter plane

Also (blast it!), the dozy pilot even para-glided to safety and, while the red jet's wreckage was (to quote from the USAF press release) "strewn over a wide area of Canadian tundra," not a single Saskatchewan homestead got hit, although reportedly a Mountie lookout post spotted the American flyer's chute drop out of the sky.

Hardly death and destruction on the scale that I'm used to! Okay, so this fighter was a prototype. Supposed to be not only radar-proof but also completely silent too! Could be … 1 thing them damn commie Yankees are still good at is inventing new offensive weaponry. Trouble is, each time they build something different, a pilot or sailor or marine ups and defects (and who can blame those poor repressed souls?) with the smart gun, tank, bomber, boat, whatever, and offers it to the Russians, Japanese or Mexicans, just so's the other nation will grant 'em amnesty.

Waldo Kurtz tribute

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