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news muse zine - compiled for alt. world scenario fans by INFOmaniac
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The truth about C.L.A.D.
special report by Ira Scoring, BOs FaD Compulsive Ladder Ascension Disorder (known as CLAD, or Jacob's Walk) has become a major social problem in the UK... Newlywed tradesman, Garth Fresco-Mural (23), a decorator from Mattocks Clodbury, was climbing his Alpine extendable 3-section roofing ladder at work on a Thursday afternoon in March 1993, when he noticed for the 1st time just how smooth and sensuously rigid his ladder's aluminium frame was. Questioned by police after he had refused to climb down and spent 30 hours aloft, the housepainter told authorities: "It was like I'd never climbed a ladder before. I was overcome with joy. I felt ecstatic to be there - halfway up and halfway down - with the firm rungs supporting my feet!" Mr Fresco-Mural was subsequently admitted to the Darwin Zoological Oddities Park, in nearby Bothering-on-Dane where, to this day, he gambols happily in remarkable displays of agility over ramshackle obstacle courses, confined with the funky gibbons and cheeky monkeys. The primary symptoms of CLAD are characterised by a constant raising of alternate legs, robotic and asymmetrical spasms of the arms describing a climbing motion, and involuntary knee-jerk reactions to the sight of H-frame gates, stepladders, and horizontal parallel bar arrangements of every design. Further indications are: After the 'incubation' phase, there's simply no stopping the victims of CLAD from 'climbing the walls' if they are incarcerated under doctor's orders. However, reports of so-called spidering incidents (an uncanny level of climbing prowess among high-rise construction welders afflicted with CLAD) have yet to be substantiated. Personal abuse of exercise platforms (such as the Step-Master Deluxe) is common among office-bound yuppies with CLAD. Criminal activity in this area is rife. Ladder hi-jacking is a regular occurrence whenever window cleaners are at work. Chamois leathers fly and buckets of soapy water are spilt in attacks on lone glazing specialists. Ladder-climbing diseases are also to be found in pet hamsters and gerbils, domesticated town mice (country mice are, unaccountably, immune), and many families of laboratory rats. 90 percent of young boys afflicted with CLAD were found to sleep in the top bunk of bunk beds. A further 68 percent have, allegedly, spent at least 1 summer weekend camping out in a homemade tree-house den, accessed only by rope-ladder. Laddering sports have recently become a very common leisure activity for suburban teenagers. Among adults, the problems multiply. Ladder surfing and white-water rafting utilise the traditional Chinese bamboo frames for their lightweight buoyancy properties. Many lives have been lost in such tragedies as Cornwall's so-called Red Surf Incident, where flimsy tarpaulins used to cover wooden ladders resulted in impalements and drowning. Illegally imported anacondas and cobras used in real life games of Snakes & Ladders provoked a public outcry when cases of animal baiting and stolen ladders came to light. There is no known cure for CLAD, except bondage (gagging or blindfolding is optional). Successful preventative measures include strapping the sufferer into a comfy armchair, thus limiting the patient's freedom of physical movement as required by all climbing activities. It is not advised that fetishistic apparel should be worn by either party during such periods of restraint, as this practice is likely to exchange 1 behavioural perversion for another (but, of course, what people like to do alone at home is their own business). Some treatments involve intravenous feeding and employ catheter devices to remove the patient's bodily wastes, but these should only be used be under medical supervision. In certain extreme cases, surgical amputation of hands and feet - or whole limbs - may be considered. Leprosy is considered a blessing whenever a victim of CLAD also contracts any form of premature senility. |
Ban British ladders!
by Mike Hamil It's been reported that 70 stupid people fall to their death each year 1 in England. Such tragedies are caused by accidents that involve ladders, and the British government is powerless to stop it happening. An official spokesman for DIY publication How To Fix That Leaky Roof (Or Die Trying), said: "These are tragic accidents, caused by stupid people climbing ladders. However, there is no evidence to prove that ladders, openly on sale to the general public at hardware stores (even on bank holidays and Sunday afternoons), are more dangerous than an old sawn-off shotgun in the hands of somebody with a grudge against noisy or nosy neighbours, or even a Member of Parliament." The grieving family of 1 sad individual who fell to his death while attempting to repair storm-damaged guttering, said: "We demand a new law to ban sales of ladders in DIY stores. Even a licensed ladder could kill you!"
Sleepers, the governing body of self-help group Stairways, Ladders & Exercise Platforms Anonymous have campaigned for a fixed ban on all retail sales of ladders, claiming that formal training for users, and licensing for the possession of even 2nd-hand ladders, is urgently needed. A British government spokesman, in urgent need of a vital public awareness issue to win himself the very last easy chair on a Commons Select Committee, told this reporter that: "Trading in 2nd-hand or used ladders is now a serious threat to the lives of our young children." 1
source: Dept of Guesswork
[revised from SCAR TISSUE #15]
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