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news muse zine - compiled for alt. world scenario fans by INFOmaniac
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Glass melts ices
by Mike Hamil Sales of ice cream from vans are falling. The van-based industry has been in decline for decades, a problem long since attributed to the widespread availability of home freezers, but the reason for the recent trend only became clear after a recent social study revealed the link between retail sales of ice cream from vans and domestic double-glazing. There's mounting concern in the ices industry that suppression of noise by double-glazing has unexpectedly caused the nationwide downturn in consumer spending on ice cream sold from vans. "It's the jingle," said Ernie Pistachio-Greene (43), an ice cream salesman from Mattocks Clodbury. "They can't hear my jingle now when they're in-doors, you see, especially if they're deaf." Calls for louder PA systems with klaxon like output levels have been considered but no decision has been made. The Noise Prevention Society have already lodged a protest with the government, and it's been reported that their main objection is to any proposls for the installation of louder sound systems in ice cream vans. In a related incident, irate Mister Softie drivers marching on Westminster in a protest against expected job cuts have savagely beaten a lone double-glazing salesmen. Fears that mobile sales of ice creams might continue to fall caused outrage among union members during a Whippy trade conference in Blackpool, where the National Whipster of the Year Award went to a woman, Bethany Aneurysm (31, pictured), for the first time. |
Bethany Aneurysm, ice-cream queen
[previously in SCAR TISSUE #14] |