Captain Lucas found
by Luness Zim
Retired Captain Lucas from the former S.S. Voyager vanished from an outing hosted by the Alucian
Assisted Living Colony. Missing for 2 weeks, the captain was spotted on a video cast of the Ophra
Windford show that aired midweek. The hostess, Miss Windford, about to introduce 2 Hollywood actors
to discuss their upcoming movie, Rocky's Return To The Philadelphia Art Museum, was
interrupted by an unexpected materialisation of Mr Lucas.
Lucas appears on TV-set
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He asked for directions to the transport room of the Voyager that has been mothballed for nearly a
century. The audience began laughing and the captain became enraged, insisting that Klingons are
conspiring with the Borg to overtake the Federation. He insisted, "The conspiracy is lead by Dr
Smith from Lost In Space, and the George Jetson family."
Several audience members agreed with the captain's warnings and the misinformation
spread until past President, Yarrium Klingoffski's appearance on News Alert Orange. Klingoffski
assured the public that Captain Lucas' outbursts were a result of his recently diagnosed disorder of
adult dementia.
Apparently, Lucas' random materialisation was an effort to return to homebase. The
Ramadom Empire, World Federation of Wrestlers and members of the Rosewell/Area 51 social club have
reported unconfirmed sightings.
Ambassador Flux from the
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Flux with Lucas after the show
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Federation Council quickly transported Captain Lucas back
to the Alucian colony for neurological regeneration and reprogramming at the Stasis Centre.
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Ultimatium for Saddam
by Aptly Fitting
So, 1st Minister Antony Blair insists that infamous Iraqi tyrant Saddam Hussein appear on
international TV to answer certain important questions about his personal habits, and agree to comply
with New Wessex Party suggestions for 6 tests...
In a Commons statement, Blair tabled a motion and announced a package of measures
designed to keep the troublesome Mr Hussein from becoming a threat to world peace. The ambitious plan
is designed to protect the region's political stability, ensure progress towards democracy, and
promote economic growth in the Middle East. Blair made it abundantly clear there would be very dire
consequences if the stubborn Iraqi leader failed to accept, in full, the terms of this proposal.
Mr Blair's 6-point warning to the Iraqi leader...
Give up smoking, immediately.
Reduce your alcohol intake to a quarter of the current figure.
Cut down on red meat and add more fruit and vegetables to your diet.
Abstain from sex on Sundays, and stop all procreative acts for 2 years.
Refrain from swearing at all times, and try to smile more often.
Stop worrying so much and adopt a posture of serene contentment.
At his regular afternoon press conference, Mr Blair said unto reporters: "Only when Saddam
Hussein realises the error of his ways, apologises sincerely to the international community for his
past flatulence, and accepts the moral wisdom represented by these 6 tests will he be allowed out to
play again."
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