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news muse zine - compiled for alt. world scenario fans by INFOmaniac
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Aqua show riddled with weavlon
by Quadra Nebulana Weavlon-infested aquatic food turned the outdoor St Culthaul Festival at Placard Aquatirium into a wild display. The scheduled programme of leaping dolphinmen and tunamaidens turned into a spitting attack between the two groups that escalated into an uncontrollable water battle.
The standard amount of weavlon had been administered to athletes before the wrestling, however a sudden increase in humidity within the arena compounded the drug's affect. Researchers later concluded weavlon stimulant results are dramatically increased when mixed with water. Dolphinmen and tunamaidens had unknowingly ingested the tainted grain before the scheduled programme. As the water spectacular began, gill plates festered restricting oxygen exchanges and aggressive urges escalated. Bystander, Mildred Moon stated, "At first, the kids and I thought the huge streams of shooting water were part of the show. Kinda like a sea battle re-enactment. Suddenly, we realised it was for real." Spectators exited the aquatirium area without incident. A film crew from the overhead hovercraft notified security. The pool was immediately drained and the maintenance department separated gasping creatures. Environmental rights advocates assured the public that participants are in individual holding tanks and will be carefully monitored until the weavlon effects have dissipated.
Local police issued this fixup of selected rogue veg with "do not approach" warning to public. |
GM crops flee protest
by A. Gardiner Protestors were shocked today when a demonstration in sleepy Stoke Prior against genetically modified crops ended in chaos. Horrified people threw down their placards in disbelief as several frightened vegetables fled towards a nearby railway line. "It was pandemonium!" One protester explained, as he gripped his placard tightly. "1 minute we were demonstrating, and the next these vegetables suddenly jumped up out of the ground and ran away in all directions!" Another protestor from the local anti-GM action group SPROUT (Stop Planting Round Our Uncontaminated Town) spoke of the dangers of genetically modified crops. "We don't know what they might do, we are not safe in our beds at night!" Several other people were hurt in the chaos receiving minor injuries, as people dropped their placards and ran for their lives. Mr Smith from Peterborough received a sprained ankle whilst driving away from the scene, when a marauding cabbage struck his car. "I had to swerve several times before I hit it!" In another incident a turnip caused several 1000s of pounds worth of damage when it ran amuck in a local DIY superstore. The manager Mr Jones confirmed that the turnip had been behaving erratically, demolishing a display in the gardening dept before disappearing into a stack of grow-bags. Several local residents have also had encounters with the rogue vegetables. Mrs Taylor of Stoke Prior was very upset when a lettuce attacked her cat. "It must have got in through the cat-flap. Felix was asleep on the rug in the living room, and the lettuce threw itself at him. You don't know what effect this has had on my pussy!" Police are on the lookout 3 carrots, 2 cauliflowers and several potatoes, and have urged the public to be vigilant, and not to approach the vegetables, as they are to be considered dangerous. Later, another eyewitness account spoke of a Spanish onion and a Brussels sprout boarding a Eurorail express.
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